TO: Senators Snow & Collins, Washington, D.C.
FROM: A Clearwater, FL Resident
Dear Senators,
Thank you for crossing party lines and voting for the handout package.
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Maine , received a check for
$10,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know
is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs
on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?
I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this
program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
of the business. He has been raising hogs f or twenty years or so, and
the best he ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when
he got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000
for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first
year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising
wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any
information you have on that, too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be
assured your party will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
A soon to be Gentleman Clearwater, FL Farmer
h/t to the Colonel
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