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Wednesday, October 31, 2012


TO: Senators Snow & Collins, Washington, D.C.
 FROM: A Clearwater, FL Resident

 Dear Senators,

 Thank you for crossing party lines and voting for the handout package.
 My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Maine , received a check for
 $10,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
 into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know
 is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs
 on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

 I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
 governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
 that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
 raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this
 program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
 haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
 of the business. He has been raising hogs f or twenty years or so, and
 the best he ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when
 he got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000
 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs?
 I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
 about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first
 year. Then I can afford an airplane.

 Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
 raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising
 wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
 Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any
 information you have on that, too.

 In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
 unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be
 assured your party will have my vote in the coming election.

 Patriotically Yours,
 A soon to be Gentleman Clearwater, FL Farmer

h/t to the Colonel

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